I am an American woman, so naturally I think about my weight. I've been going to Weight Watchers regularly since July 2005, and although I'm not yet at goal, I've made excellent progress. I'm already an "after."
But there's weight that I miss. Weight that I actually might want to gain (shocking I know).
The weight of a man.
The weight of his mouth on mine. The weight of an arm or leg casually tossed over me in sleep. The shifting weight on the mattress waking me every so slightly. The weight of an arm across the shoulders, of hands on my hips, of bellies touching.
That's good weight. That's weight that you don't think about losing until it's gone and you want to regain it.
Do I need to lose my physical extra weight before I can gain the weight of a man in my life? I don't know. Truthfully, I complain about the fact that I'm alone and I haven't been with anyone in a really long time (like a few years), but I've not been terribly proactive (and I really hate that word) about changing that situation. I signed up on a free online dating site, but I don't do anything with it. If I go out, it's mostly during the day; I tend to spend my evenings home alone. I kinda sorta know what I need to do to get what I want, but I don't do it. I lack follow through in this area.
A friend told me just this morning that I should just go out, get drunk, and get some. She may be right, but how drunk should I get? Just drunk enough to be kinda slutty, or should I get really hammered enough to actually go through with it? Of course, if I do that, then I probably wouldn't remember it, plus I'd be puking, which would not be good.
A "friend with benefits" might be the answer, but apparently I've reached that stage in my life where most of my friends are women. And I love women, but in a completely nonsexual way, so that's a wash.
Weighty matters, indeed.
6 comments:
*cry* I feel for you Connie. After a bad relationship, I stayed away from men for 4 long years... You feel like, "Do I have to get used to this?".. The weight of a man, that's a perfect description.
IMO, getting wasted and just *doing* it can't be satisfying unless it means something. Friends with Benefits.. that's a good thing. I really like those. There's nothing wrong with meeting someone online and conversing with them first. you don't have to meet them face-to-face... Sometimes you really get to know a person well and guys are so bad at communication; talking online seems like a good option.
That 4th year, I was really looking into online dating and didn't have the guts. I finally met someone face to face on a short trip and we started emailing each other everyday for 6 months.
I enjoyed that *chase* and getting to know someone without all the nerves and worrying about my looks.
Oh, ha! I didn't finish my story..
I married him!
but now that he's on a business trip for three days, why don't I miss him Connie? I don't miss him. I don't have another set of dishes to wash, another set of clothes. I don't have to share the remote. I don't have to be reminded that there *IS* another adult in the house; but he just chooses to ignore me and chooses to not help me with the children. I prefer it like it is now. How sad really is that? Should I tell him? What good would it do?
May I also be so bold to say I don't miss the "smell" if you know what I mean? Why is it that men can't control their bodily "functions"... mmmm? mmm?
Well, he's probably not been gone long enough for you to truly miss his presence. His clothes are still in the closet, his things are still around. You still have the weight of his presence in your life if not the actual physical weight of the man himself right now.
I don't miss my ex-husband at all, what I really miss is, actually, more about sex than anything else. And I missed that in marriage, too, when my kids were young and there was no time to really enjoy it.
I hate it when you're right. LOL!
His presence, mm.. you're right there Connie. I had to think about it for a while and look around. I used to hate sleeping alone in my big bed when I was single, so I know how you feel... but now I have the kids to keep me company - at least until they're teens when I won't be cool to hang out with.
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