I never picked up the crack pipe

Yesterday, it was suggested to me that I "put down the crack pipe" because I had the audacity to suggest that there existed in the world a man who meets the following criteria :
Single
Funny
Smart
Well endowed
Straight
Not unnaturally attached to his mother
Have no baby mama drama
Attracted to me
Good with his hands (in every possible way that can be construed)
Employed
Likes my family and is liked by them in return

I don't think that believing that this list can be reality makes me deluded or high or unrealistic in my expectations. I'm not willing to settle.

I will concede that some of the items on my list are fairly subjective, so let's break it down.

When I say funny, I mean sarcastic and witty, like I like to think I am. Fart jokes are not funny. I'm thirty-twelve and female, duh.

Smart means he gets my references, and has a vocabulary sufficient that I don't have to dumb down the way I speak. I didn't do it for my kids when they were babies (I really hate baby talk), and I sure as fuck won't do it for a grown man.

Well endowed is also subjective; I'm not going to whip out a tape measure and declare that anything less than 9 inches is unacceptably small and will be pointed at and mocked. Let's just say that I want to know when I've been bedded.

Straight. Well, I think that one's self explanatory.

Not unnaturally attached to his mother. Love the mama, just don't be so attached that you can't make a decision without her input. I will say, though, that a man who has no contact at all with his mother (as long as she's still living) is unnaturally attached in a negative way; mama needs some love, just not all of it.

Baby mamas are OK, just not the drama. At my age, a man who doesn't already have kids is probably not a viable option anyway, because I can't have (and don't want) any more children. So a man should treat the mother of his child(ren) with a modicum of respect, as long as she's not a psychobitch.

Attracted to me. You'd think self-explanatory, wouldn't you? I don't want to be second best. Don't settle for me, rejoice in the fact that you get to be with me. I'm pretty damn great. And yes, part of being attracted to me is dealing with my ego.

Good with the hands. It's all fine and good that you can discuss quantum mechanics and the various ins and outs of the stock market, but dammit, know which end of a screwdriver to use. Be able to do home repair projects. And definitely know what to do with your hands when we're horizontal.

Employed. To paraphrase Prince: You don't have to be rich to be my boy. Just have a job. Support yourself.

And the last one, like my family and be liked by them. And that's not just my kids. That's my mom, my brothers, sisters-in-law, and all offspring. I've married 2 men who did not particularly like my family (and the feeling was mutual), and that was no fun for me. The next guy will definitely have to be vetted.

That Boy won't like anyone. He's made that abundantly clear.

You'll note that there is no height requirement to ride this ride; there are, however, shoulder width guidelines.

And, I have fairly serious Daddy issues which means that I find men who are much more than a year or two older than me to be kind of icky. It's the opposite of most girls with Daddy issues, I know, but there you have it, I gotta be different.