Every day, it seems like I discover more control issues that I have. Like the dryer needing to be emptied and clothes folded immediately. But the one I've been thinking about most lately is my issue with Thanksgiving.
Now, Thanksgiving is MY holiday. It's always around my birthday, there are no real heavy religious connotations, and it's all about food, so naturally I gravitate to it. But only in my own way. Which means I have to be in charge of the food. In the past, I've had people bring food (when I was young and serving 15 single classmates) and I've cooked with my best friend in the whole world, but I didn't like it (although I drank enough to fake it and get through it). I need to be in control of the food, and some of ya'll eat some shit for Thanksgiving that I just don't get.
Green Bean Casserole? Vomitocious (maybe not a real word, but I love it). Taking a perfectly lovely and healthy veggie like the humble green bean and turning it not just fattening but also completely masking the flavor in cream of mushroom soup and French fried onions? It's just wrong.
Sweet Potatoes? Disgusting in any form and on any day of the year. They take all that is good, right, and holy about potatoes and pervert it into orange. I shudder at the thought.
Pureed squash? Why would I voluntarily put that in my mouth? It looks like baby shit.
Pecan Pie? I have no real vendetta against Pecan Pie; it's just too sweet for me and makes my teeth hurt. I've actually let the kids have that one before, and I probably will again.
My ideal Thanksgiving meal and the one that I make every year consists of: Turkey (duh), brown gravy (poultry gravy/cream gravy is another thing I hate), mashed potatoes, corn, brown and serve rolls, and some cranberry sauce. Later there's pie. Always pumpkin and apple; sometimes there's a third pie and that one's a wildcard entry.
That's right, I eat beige on Thanksgiving with a little cranberry sauce thrown in for good measure.
The "problem" actually goes deeper than that, though. All those foods above that I hate and I know other people like; I don't want someone else bringing them into my house on my most favorite holiday. I don't want them besmirching my table or my home at all. If you were invited to my Thanksgiving, you'd be welcome to bring those things . . . to the back deck. And you can eat them out there, too.
Yeah, I have issues.
2 comments:
Corn is the chewing gum of the vegetable family and has no place on anyone's table!!! Viva la corn resistance!
You are so funny. All the foods you hate, I LOVE LOVE LOVE. I eat sweet potatoes plain for lunch!
We're going out to dinner this year. Let someone else cook. This way, I go through the dessert buffet FIRST, TWICE, and then, if still able, will go for the veggies or turkey. LOVE THANKSGIVING!
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