I was, though. I was bitter for a really long time, and in denial about it. But yesterday I had one of those spiritual kicks in the head, and now I'm just angry. Without a single drop of bitterness to mar the taste.
I'm angry that the man I loved didn't love me back enough.
I'm angry that I loved a man who was able to walk away and just about immediately start putting his dick in other women.
I'm angry that he remarried and had more kids when I didn't have that option, although I admit that one's a bit irrational because I made the choice not to have the option for more kids, and I never wanted to have more kids. Anger doesn't have to be rational to be real.
I'm angry that I loved a man who gave really shitty gifts for years and never once seemed to really pay attention to the things that I wanted or were important to me.
I'm angry that I blamed myself for not being enough.
I'm angry that I've spent the last 8+ years eating myself into a coma and not living my life the way I want to because I was heartbroken.
I'm angry that it took me this long to admit how I feel. Oh, bits and pieces of it would bubble to the surface, but I pushed them down, bottled them up, self-medicated with food, anything to avoid actually feeling what I was feeling.
I'm angry that food is my self-medication of choice. Sometimes, like now, I think promiscuity would have been the better option. At least I'd be getting laid. I gave up random, inappropriate sex (which I used to be pretty damn good at); I gave up smoking; I don't do drugs; I don't drink to excess. The only vices I have left are food, coffee, and profanity. And that fucking sucks. I think I'd rather be a slut than a fat, potty-mouthed caffeine junky.
I'm angry that I feel like I'm too fat to go out and get laid right now.
Why am I admitting this now? Partly because I'm only just now admitting it to myself. And I'm nothing if not one to overshare. But mostly I think I'm admitting it now because anger has to be expressed before it can pass. Just taking a little bit of time to write this, I already feel better, calmer, more determined not to continue to live as I have been but as I want to continue.
2 comments:
Anger doesn't have to be rational to be real.
I SO like that quote Connie. Thank you. People tell you "there's a lot of fish in the sea". Well, there may be fish, but they're not fresh fish. A lot of them are bottom-feeders or posing as fish when they're really sharks and stingrays. The pickings are slim because the good ones are gone already. Even I can admit my fish was a recylced leftover thrown back in the sea for not being 'romantic, communicative, etc.'.... so, I hooked him. Others things are more important.. sometimes... it helps to have a little romance...but *shrug*..
I kind of like the idea of "Friends with Benefits".. or even have a bi or gay friend who wouldn't mind a night or two of cuddles just for the sake of being warm with another human being. No attachments, no messy complications or marriage proposals or fake promises. Sometimes just connecting and cuddling with the opposite sex can fill "our well" when it feels empty.
Hugs to you Connie. I may be married, but it doesn't guarantee I get cuddles.
:(
Happy Mother's Day Connie!!!
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