On Faking It

The last time I had sex, I did not have an orgasm. I faked it. That was 4-1/2 years ago, and yes it's been that long since I have had sex with another person. I've regretted the faking ever since.

To tell the truth, the sex that night wasn't great. It felt dirty and sordid and almost shameful, and so I faked it so he could finish and it could be over. The over part I don't regret, but as a whole, I'm opposed to women faking orgasms.

I think that if you fake it, that's tantamount to rewarding good behavior. Positive reinforcement for negative actions, if you will. Yes, I know that it's easier to summon the inner Meg Ryan than to look your lover of the moment right in the eye and tell him (or her) that what they're doing is not getting the job done. But what's easiest isn't always best. Isn't it better to teach your partner the proper way to service you? Yeah, you might have to put out a little more effort in the beginning, but the long-term payoff is so worth it.

Now, I've faked it a lot. In fact, since learning how to fake it at a young age, I can honestly say that I've only been with one person who got the job done every time. And we only went down that path a few times, but still, only one guy's batting 1.000 as far as I'm concerned, and I'll be honest, I'm currently benched, but I've faced a fair number of batters in my time, and a sexual no-hitter is not what I'm looking to pitch. (As an aside, I really love it when I can get a good baseball analogy into a blog that's about sex. It makes me tingly.)

I've faked it when I wasn't in the mood but I felt too guilty to just accomodate and not participate. I've faked it when I was tired. I've faked it when the mood changed halfway through. I've faked it when I got a look at the time and realized just how soon the alarm was going to go off. I never used the "I have a headache" excuse, at least not to my recollection, although in a very early relationship, I did tell one partner on more than on occasion to just masturbate because I didn't feel like it. Most of the time, though, once things get started, I get into it and then I can get off. Lots. I'm lucky, when I'm not faking it I have multiples, which is nice. Except, if you're a known multiplier (not the right term, but I'm going with it) and you want to fake it. Because then you have to fake multiples or risk getting caught. So rather than plead the headache or pick a fight, my MO for a long time was the fake O, or Os as the case may be. It's exhausting to fake multiple orgasms. I don't recommend it.

With the 20/20 vision that comes with hindsight, I know now that faking it was never a good choice, but the worst time to fake it, by far, is when you encounter a shift in position that's less than pleasing. Me, I don't like to be on top for any length of time. A couple of minutes is OK, but any longer than that and I find it really uncomfortable on my hips and knees, so I've faked it in that position so I can get some pain relief, only to discover that the position I loathe has gone into the mental rolodex of "positions that get her off." Fuck. Now I have to either cop to faking it once, or continue faking it forever. Fuckity fuck fuck. I don't want either of those options, but I haven't yet come up with another.

So this is why it is better, in my opinion, to gently tell your lover, "baby it's just not working for me right now," or "it feels really great, but it's not going to happen this time," or even (not so gently) "get the fuck off me, asshole, and don't ever do THAT again," than it is to fake it. This is one time when "fake it til you make it" just won't work.

This, then, is my vow. When I get back into the game, I won't fake it ever again. In fact, it's been so long that I'm not sure I could fake it now. Hopefully that's not like riding a bike; I'd be happier if I could forget how to do that particular trick. I will be open and honest, and if someone's not getting the job done, I'm going to tell him. Gently (I hope).