Whatever

So I got this in the mail a day or so ago from a true friend who feels that she's a true Westerner. Of course, I also got it (or something just like it) from another true friend a couple of years back, but that time it was about Iowa or the midwest in general. I didn't and still don't care enough to remember. Anyway, lets dissect, shall we?

Rules of The West
Rules of Montana, Wyoming, Idaho and Texas, and the rest of the Wild West are as follows: Washington is not the Wild West as far as I'm concerned, at least not west of the Cascades; it's the coast.

1. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot. ~ True, but at least I don't have to ask whether it's boxers or briefs, and if it's tighty-whiteys, then I'm gonna laugh my ass off at you.

2. Turn your cap right, your head ain't crooked. ~ I sort of agree; straight forward is preferable, but straight backwards is acceptable, too. Just the sideways shit bugs me.

3. Let's get this straight: it's called a 'gravel road.' I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're gonna get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way. ~ What the fuck ever, dude. Gravel roads suck, and Lexus owners should not drive on them.

4. They are cattle. That's why they smell to you. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-80 goes east and west, I-15 goes north and south. Pick one. ~ So money smells like shit to you? I don't care about their value, cattle and their shit stink to high heaven.

5. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $250,000 combines that are driven only 3 weeks a year. ~ So the fuck what? Like I give a shit.

6. Every person in the Wild West waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept. ~ I only wave at people who don't have psychotic gleams in their eyes, and there's just not that many of them.

7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of geese/pheasants/ ducks/doves are comin' in during the hunts, we WILL shoot it outta your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time. ~ There's no fucking way I'd ever be hunting, so whatever.

8. Yeah. We eat trout, salmon, deer and elk. You really want sushi and caviar you can get them at the bait store on the corner. ~ Salmon are yummy; trout is disgusting because I don't eat freshwater fish. Deer and elk are way too gamy. Caviar is not my thing, but if you eat the testicles of a bull and then tell me that my sushi is gross, then you're an even bigger asshole than I thought.

9. The 'Opener' refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November. ~ What the fuck ever.

10. We open doors for women. That's applied to all women, regardless of age. ~ Sure you do; I'll believe it when I see it.

11. No, there's no 'vegetarian special' on the menu. Order steak, or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham & turkey. ~ And your vegetarian cardiac surgeon will giggle the whole time he's doing your bypass. Eat a fucking salad from time to time.

12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads We use three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup! Oh, yeah.... We don't care what you folks in Cincinnati call that stuff you eat... IT AIN'T REAL CHILI!! ~ You're right about the Cincinnati stuff; it's shit, but dude, a little garlic and cumin won't kill you. They won't even hurt you.

13. You bring 'Coke' into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice. You bring 'Mary Jane' into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair. ~ Another what the fuck ever. I'm not into cocaine, but I don't necessarily need a long-haired, truck-driving, straight-shooting bitch named Mary Jane in my life.

14. College and High School Football is as important here as the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch. ~ Who gives a shit about the Lakers and the Knicks? Basketball sucks, and the only good sport is Baseball, Major League Baseball.

15. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards -- it spooks the fish. ~ Like I golf.

16. Colleges? We have them all over. We have State Universities , Universities, and Vo-techs. They come outta there with an education plus a love for God and country, and they still wave at everybody when they come home for the holidays. ~ So?

17. We have more folks in the Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines than all of you put together, so don't mess with us. If you do, you'll get whipped by the best. ~ I'm a proud veteran of the USAF, and I joined because there was no fucking opportunity in my "Wild West" when I was 19. I'm willing to bet that a fair number of "folks in the Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines" joined up to get the fuck out of Dodge.

18. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump crap ain't music, anyway. We don't want to hear it anymore than we want to see your boxers! Refer back to #1! ~ You probably like country "music," and I'd rather listen to the thumpity thump than some hillbilly crying in his beer because his mom screwed his girlfriend's uncle.

A true Westerner will send this to at least 2 others!!! ~ And I'll mock it mercilessly in my blog.

With much love and respect to my dear friend, Rebel.